Everything has been a rollercoaster ride these past weeks: I’m on the verge of failing two major subjects, finals are just around the corner, and for the cherry on top: this guy I really feel a lot—whom I think likes me back—has been sending me damned mixed signals. Yeah, my life’s been a mess. And now that there’s this Storm looming in the horizon pouring endless surge of precipitation, it’s been making me all depressed and sad and lonely.

I might not tell you who I am but a decent amount of information about yours truly is a good thing… right? After all, if you’re here reading this I’m almost positive you have no life and/or you’re simply just bored. Either way, you have no choice. You’re stuck with me—but if at any point you get too bored, by all means, you’re free to go.

Okay, I’m eighteen years old—I celebrated my birthday this month. I am a university student majoring in a business course, I’m currently a sophomore and I plan on taking my graduate studies after graduation and my doctorate after that. Admittedly, I’m not intelligent. Though I would like to believe I’m smart. I have gravely struggled with my Math since high school. So, yeah. I’m not intelligent, but smart! Ha-ha.

I’m a Filipino born in a very religious Christian family. I have two siblings: an older sister and a brother I do not talk to. I have been in a constant love-hate relationship with my family. Most times it’s just hate. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family; it’s just that they could be a major pain in the neck—an understatement. I’m an Atheist, though I do not endorse it by any means. I would not lie if someone asks me what I believe in. I was a Christian all my life. I’ve been fed Christian beliefs, Christian morals and all those Christian trash. For quite some time I actually believed in them. But then everything seemed like just a waste of time. I stopped believing.

I’m gay. I like boys. Get over it. I honestly do not know what the big deal is. I’m attracted to men instead of women. Beckham and Ryan Reynolds arouse me. Adriana Lima and Angelina Jolie do not. And contrary to the belief that homosexuality is a choice, its not, trust me. I cannot recall a day in my life when I subconsciously decided to be attracted to boys. It doesn’t work that way. If there was some kind of custody of the senses, I would have already turned straight. Because being gay is difficult. It is not all rainbows and butterflies and unicorns. We receive a lot of hatred, we get bullied and we are misunderstood for a reason that is out of our hands. Why would a person with a sane mind choose to endure all of that? You don’t. Let me ask you a question: when did you choose to be straight? If you’re straight, that is.

Yeah, still in the closet. And I do not see myself coming out anytime soon—or later—given the circumstances. Isn’t it sad? I’m already eighteen years old and I’ve never been kissed and I’ve never been touched and I’ve never had a boyfriend. Yeah, my life’s pathetic.

And to answer the question you have in mind, that’s going to be a no. I’m not girly and I’m not effeminate. Yes, I like guys—hot guys, for that matter—and I may like a few other things that women would exclusively like but I never wished to be a girl. I’m a guy who likes other guys. Period. Besides, the mental image of me with boobies and flowing hair and with a full make up on is just… sick. Ew.

I’m part Spanish, part Chinese. Fair skinned. I’m marginally cute, attractive by standards. I’m five feet eight inches tall, self-proclaimed geek, mad-hater from the Philippines. Glad to meet ‘cha.

*****
Credits go to:
Image: Kai Z Feng

I have been consistently blogging since sophomore year—although constantly accompanied by the occasional hiatuses. I’m a sophomore in college now. And I realized I wanted to write again.

For various reasons, I’ve never actually stuck with any of my previous blogs and ended up neglecting it. And then days, weeks, months passed by, my blog untouched. On the latter days of my former blogging days, writing seemed like a chore. It felt so tedious. It felt like a struggle to string my train of thoughts together and put everything down on paper—or in my case on a computer. I’ve lost my drive for writing. And then losing an appetite to blog altogether, I deleted my blog.

A few years later—three and a half, to be approximate—I craved for that passion to write again. This time I want it to be different. Now that I knew what I really wanted, I decided to take another shot at writing. Not for the comments, not for the readers, and definitely not for show. But this time, to nurture what I have learned and see where it leads me. It’s a genuine appetite for learning this time. I REALLY want to excel in this department! Writing, above all, is something I can honestly say I love. While being a musician and an artist is truly appealing to me, they do not hold that kind of passion that writing grasped—even with sufficient skills and talents bestowed upon me. Being a writer is something I can see myself without being delusional.

Deleting my former blog was a mistake I completely regret. It would have been an accomplishment seeing your earlier works transit to what they’ve become. It’s always nice to have something to look back on and witness how much you have grown. Well, I have to start with a new, clean slate—have to start somewhere. And it’s a good thing… right? I shall refer to this as my Journal my blog, no longer. Since, technically, it is just that its digital. The word blog just gave the impression of superficial-ness. Well, at least for me they do. And I refuse to believe that my writings are shallow(At least, I'm trying to).

I have no intention of revealing my identity. Clichéd and corny as it may deliver but I intend this to be private. I chose this journal to be mounded by clouds of anonymity, separating me from… me—if you know what I’m saying. This will be my safe refuge. It’ll shelter my heart and soul. It’s a place I wish I would grow in. And I don’t think I’m capable of growing while I'm standing on a pedestal with everyone’s eyes on me.

This, I would like to believe, as another step forward. I might not be able to stick up to this journal again, I might fail and I might not. I don't know. Let's see where and how far this will take me.

*****
Credits to go:
Image: Kai Z Feng